let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
