he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
