i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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