Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
