It's like a parade of train wrecks.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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