What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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