Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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