Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
