Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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