Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
