you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize