My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
