You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
