I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
