Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
