She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
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