I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
