I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My dad is sitting where you rode me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
