I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
