I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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