I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
