My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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