this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
organizing the empties. That sober.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
