The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
