just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
