Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize