last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
