You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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