I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
