My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
40s are totally the cure
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Floor bacon is actually really good
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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