you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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