my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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