oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
