Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
