Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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