I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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