The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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