Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
