I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize