If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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