Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
PANTIES FOUND
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