A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
