ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize