I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize