i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
