Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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