We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
