can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found the puke drawer
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
