So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
