Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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