the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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