halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
