She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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