This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
